I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
