i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
