I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
