Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
