The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
