Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
