Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
