I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
