My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
