I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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