she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
