8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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