Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
