just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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