Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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