Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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