He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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