Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
