How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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