After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??