gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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