Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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