I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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