Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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