I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
