Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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