It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I could make wine with my vomit
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
