i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
