Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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