apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she pinky promised me she was 18
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
