So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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