so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
