If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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