she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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