1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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