just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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