he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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