bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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