If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
