New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
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She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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