maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
