i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
All I want is dick and wine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
