Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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