Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
