I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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