Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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