Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
