I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
