i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
