barbara walters just said penis...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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