Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
