so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
