I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
