I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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