she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
