the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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