i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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