She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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