Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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